Critique :Eva

A Critique

I wrote a short story(sort of atleast) sometime back (you could check it out here).
I then sent it to one of these proffesional editors.After which I got this response.
Which I think is a pretty good critiques of the piece.

Sorry for taking a while to get back to you. I enjoyed reading this. There
were some funny moments in there. I think, though, that the writing can be
improved. There are way too many adjectives and adverbs, which all can sort
of create clutter in a piece. I know that the adage of "Show not tell," is
kind of cliche, but when you say that "Sophistication oozes out of her...,"
what does that really mean to the reader? What does the reader see in
his/her mind when the word "sophistication" is used? Avoid abstractions. The
story had a nice forward momentum of walking up to the girl, but then you
sort of pull a fast one on the reader by making it a dream, something that
is way overused. Also, when you have a line like, Is this seat taking?"
instead of the grammatically correct, "Is this seat taken?" that shows
sloppiness, which you should avoid in anything you're submitting.

P.S I know many of you people write, great stories .. If you guys want some where to publish, I've researched all these places that will publish you. If you want further email me (email is displayed on the top right corner of the side bar).

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